Friday, March 4, 2011

Happy to Be Me

I feel so liberated this day!  I have come to a realization. 

Much to my dismay growing up, my father didn't always know how to show me he loves me.  Don't get me wrong, I know my dad does love me but we don't speak the same love language (not even close), so I have not always felt loved by him.  I have continued to go through life looking for other people's approval because I never felt I had his.  The realization I came to the other day is that I should live life to the fullest, do things I enjoy, and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks.  If I am happy with my own life what does it matter if someone else approves or disapproves?  Maybe some people are unhappy with their own life but would rather find the imperfections of others to build themselves up.

We can build others up, but I believe we have to build ourselves up first.  We can only change ourselves.  I have realized that what I think about myself is what matters, not what everyone else thinks.  I have often questioned if I am doing the right thing when I spend so much time doing roller derby.  I now know I am doing the right thing because it challenges me to push myself beyond my limits and I am the only one who can muster up the courage to do these things.  People cannot do it for me.  Derby is where I have found this courage.  I tell myself I am going to do something and I do it.  I don't tell myself I can't do something.

Maybe that's why I didn't feel my dad's love-I remember him telling me I couldn't do certain things.  And they were things I really wanted to do, like being a singer.  But I never did any of those things he told me I couldn't.  Roller derby is the one thing I had dreams about and I am living those dreams.  And then come to find out, my dad is proud of me for playing.  He watches me live online when the bouts I play in show on DNN.

Parents (especially fathers with daughters), tell your kids they can do anything they set their mind to, and don't stand in their way even if you don't totally approve.  Kids have to learn a lot on their own, but if they have parental support, I think they learn sooner and better.  That makes for wiser adults.

I am healthier than I have ever been in my adult life.  I am happier too.  I finally truly love myself because I know that I am lovable.  I also realize in order to love others, I have to love me first.  I feel free.  Free to be me.